How fortunate we are in Louisiana to have Our Beloved Supreme Leader, Jind Il-Sung, bless us with his brilliant governance! If any should doubt how beloved he is, let them read the results of his latest “internal poll,” which shows half of our state’s voters — the smarter half, no doubt — approve of the job he is doing. That is a startling turnaround from the dismal 37 percent (or lower) approval rating that “independent” polls reported just months ago.
See, everything really is perfect in the People’s Democratic Republic of Louisiana, thanks to Our Beloved Supreme Leader.
What’s that, you say? Our Beloved Supreme Leader’s poll was biased, skewed in his favor by under-sampling black voters and over-sampling white Republicans? Only enemies of the Republic would propagate such nonsense.
Yes, it is true that Louisiana’s electorate is 64 percent white and 31 percent black. And it is equally true that the poll, taken by OnMessage, the political consulting group led by Our Beloved Supreme Leader’s right-hand man and home-schooled left-brainer, Timmy Teepell, had a sample that was 67 percent white and merely 22 percent black. But, as Team Jind assures us, black folks don’t vote in proportionate numbers, so why should their opinions count when measuring how beloved is Our Beloved Supreme Leader?
The same principle applies to sampling opinions of Democrats and Republicans. While the “official” voter registration rolls show that 48 percent of our state’s voters are registered Democrat and only 28 percent are registered Republican, the OnMessage sample was more accurately calibrated — to measure the true depth of voters’ passion for Our Beloved Supreme Leader. It thus had a sample that was 41.5 percent Democrat and 40 percent Republican.
See? It makes perfect sense to anyone who is not in league with “rebellious elements.”
Team Jind cautioned against putting faith in so-called “independent” polls that show Our Beloved Supreme Leader’s popularity dropped from 37 percent to the mid-20s. Such numbers are “pure fiction,” Team Jind says, because they are the work of Democrats, liberals, bloggers and other undesirables.
Moreover, there is little doubt that once the people are made aware of how forcefully Our Beloved Supreme Leader is cracking down on insurgents who have “hijacked” the local flood control authority and convinced it to sue oil, gas and pipeline companies — which are so vital to Jind’s future plans — his popularity will surely go even higher. His approval numbers could reach (dare I say it?) 52 percent, particularly when ever fewer black and more Republican opinions are sought.
In recent days, Our Beloved Supreme Leader also has extended his beneficent rule to the state’s leading business lobby, the Louisiana Association of Business and Industry (LABI). He is said to have artfully convinced the group’s politburo to hire his former trusted lieutenant, Stephen Waguespack, as LABI’s new president. This is seen as a “correction” of LABI’s unfortunate opposition to Our Beloved Supreme Leader’s magnanimous plan to eliminate income taxes on his friends while raising the combined state-local sales tax rates on the working poor to the nation’s highest.
And if state contracts should flow to companies controlled by certain folks at LABI, who knows, Our Beloved Supreme Leader’s popularity could soar to even greater heights.
Truly, we should not wait for Jind Il-Sung to die, like his late North Korean mentor, before proclaiming him Eternal President of the Republic. Although he continues to assure us that being Our Beloved Supreme Leader is the job he really wants, he deserves so much more — for being so beloved.
Gambit is on point today. Just like Esquire says over and over again, ‘Bobby’ Jindal will never, ever, never ever ever be President.